an omen?

i was tired this morning. i got up anyway and stumbled through the apt gathering the stuff needed for school/work. this included two packets of instant cream of wheat. it's a variety pack i bought for rushing around in the mornings. i opened the box. i saw a sea of brown paper packets with brown-ish writing and graphics.

let me repeat, i was tired this morning.

i plucked out the two pink-ish packets and put them in my bag. pink for strawberries and creme, yes?

no. not at all. one of those brown packets was a strawberries and creme, but these bright pink ones? original. i've no idea why original tastes like salt. you'd think it would taste like plain cream of wheat without anything added. but it tastes like salt. 10 packets of sugar later, it still tastes like salt.

why did i not notice the lack of faux strawberries and chalky white powder? i've never had instant cream of wheat before. perhaps they wanted to keep the color and all that looking the same. why didn't it smell like faux strawberry flavoring? who knows. why did i not pick up on any of these clues until the first spoonful?

let me repeat, i was tired this morning.

this morning = one part "give me a break" + one part "oh for crying out loud" + two parts "zzzzzzz"

i'm going to try not to take this as an omen for the week ahead.

l and p

(according to the TSA's blog, security checkpoint folks can sense something out of place and give that something extra attention. the blog talks about hostile intent, but i think what they really mean is deja vous. i mean, they always frisk me, right? so it'd be out of place that they don't, and that nagging sense that they've frisked me before may be responsible for the extra attention. or, i must look like an evil bomber terrorist with my fuzzy yarn and clear plastic knitting needles.)

"the week in review" or "bring back the tunnel"

some odd goings on this week:

i found my stapler in the kitchen, nestled in the potholder drawer. i'm not sure what it was doing there, but i have vague recollections of trying to keep lunch bags closed.

a male student asked me in class if the ring on my finger meant i'd gotten engaged over the spring break. i told him (and the class) that i hated humanity too much to ever marry a member of it. in retrospect, the answer should be "oh, this? i eloped over the weekend. thanks!"

in the end, i did end up solving the problem that happened before spring break, exactly the way i thought i'd end up solving it. i really wish i'd been allowed to solve it earlier. that fix was quicker, cleaner, and less inspiring of bitterness than this one.

an entire tuesDay was spent without sudoku, hitori, hashi, or other positive mental stimulation. we'll ignore the less positive mental stimulation except to say that it is now appropriate to read a collection of sex scenes aloud in class.

this week alone, i broke down and cried in front of two different people i had had no intentions of ever crying in front of. this does not include the third sob fest, which was thankfully completed at home. the tally stands thus: in my entire masters degree, i broke down in front of close friends maybe 4 times. this semester, i've broken down in front of practically-strangers three times. and a professor. and a few close friends. this does not include being honest when people ask me how i'm doing or whether i'm all right. it also does not include teary eyes and a quick exit, which usually follow these questions.

i believe the previous two points might have something in common. perhaps a cause/effect relationship.

also, i conclude from the above that sudoku is good for the heart, mind, and emotional wellbeing.

so are pictures of family, goats, and family-holding-goats.

also pictures of old friends long gone, late-night office paper parties, lovely buffalo-less scenery from trips, and the like.

a few last points before i go to bed fully 4 hours earlier than usual in an attempt to pretend that most of this week did not happen.

i've decided that it's best not to look forward to next semester.

last semester was quite hard. that research methods class was a full course load of work in and of itself, and the old english translations were not the easiest. i got very sick for a lot longer than usual. the light at the end of that tunnel was this godforsaken semester.

i want the tunnel back.

next semester is my last of coursework. one class will be focused on odds and ends, but mostly revamping the exeter book paper from my dear, beloved tunnel. the other is a workshop that i cannot bring myself to anticipate. if expectations are low, perhaps my last semester will at least not suck in surprising new ways.

l and p

big sigh

this daylight saving time stuff is messing around with my inner procrastination timepiece.

mentally speaking, i judge the time of day (and yes, sometimes the time i need to begin work on a project) based on the amount of daylight. in the morning, light of any kind means i'm running horrifically late. in the evening, light of any kind means there's still plenty of time before i need to really get cracking.

in the morning/evening hours, i find i'm now starting things an hour or so later than i need to in order to get them done.

as the days get longer and longer, i predict the urge to start things later and later. this bodes ill for the remainder of the semester.

love and peace.

ahhh...

it's spring break. at long last. seems like i've been looking forward to this next week all semester. now don't get me wrong: i'm usually thrilled when spring break rolls around. but i've never been quite this thrilled. except that once when ems and i planned our new mexico adventure. that was exciting.

still, the day was stressful. not in the "long drag before ultimate freedom" way. no, no. that wasn't as bad as all that. but work today? yeah. there were some "son of a BITCH!" moments. several actually. and quite a few of these moments featured vocalization. (in an room devoid of other people, of course)

still, the SOB moments were relatively light-hearted. i mean, the problem exists. it's not going away. there's nothing you can do at the moment. so say your piece and get it out, then roll up your sleeves and do what needs doing.

and i got to talk out the love story i've got planned. seems like it'll work. just have to figure out a few real-world issues. i've even got the end all figured out. it'll be happy. it needs to be happy. at this point, if i write something that doesn't end happy, it'll just make me less happy. i can't afford to be less happy. it all adds up.

and now it's late. really so, for me. tomorrow, my schedule says i can reward myself for surviving the week by purchasing a little chamise from walmart. i've been eyeing it for a while, and since i do still want it, and the weather is warming up too much for flannel nightwear, and since it's a useful and practical reward, i think i'll get it. it's all of 7 bucks, so i may get two.

love and peace (and rest)

the most exciting news ever

i dragged my butt up to campus today. it's a tuesday, so of course i was not happy to be here. but then it happened. the most glorious thing. the highlight of my week.

there i was, a clipboard full of sudoku and stories about robots, spanking, and obese women with stigmata. and there, on the door to the classroom, was a note saying that class was canceled.

i have only very rarely been thrilled about such things, though i don't mind them on the whole when there's advance notice. but i literally skipped back down the hall to go back to my office.

spring break is next week. that's a tuesday without this class. and then today, no class. so really, that'll be nineteen whole days without seeing these people all gathered into one circle of hell.

today will be a good day.

l&p

rabbit, rabbit

it is still the first. let's see if this improves my lot in life outlook on the semester:



RABBIT! RABBIT!

the big sigh

i should never have signed up for this class. i should have dropped the second week, jumping ship to a classroom i could sit in without feeling the very real need to vomit/bathe.

that's the high of it, and the low of it. the cost of it on my psyche:

i've spent most of today either staring at the ceiling above my bed, staring at the alarm clock as it ticks over from one minute to the next, staring at the cats while they stare at me, wandering into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water, wandering to the bathroom to get rid of said water...

i'm not sick. no cold. no flu. no headache, which is odd because it's been hanging around off and on since mid-january and i'm not sure what to do with a day that is completely without an hour or so of it. no aches/pains.

but i don't feel all that well, either. i'm vaguely hungry, but not for anything in my apt. i'm not hungry for any restaurants, and while i'd love company, i'm not fit to be company. in fact, i think i'd find company a touch tiresome at the moment. the likelihood is great that there's a dvd from my family in my mailbox. it will have frolicking baby goats on it. and i can't bring myself to go get it out of the mailbox.

there are things to do. lots of them, and some are even fun. but i'm feeling sort of "meh" about them. kind of like i'm feeling sort of "blah" about the fruits, veggies, meats, breads, eggs, etc. that are in my refridgerator and would be quite tasty except that i'm not in the mood to eat them and think i might send them right back where they came from if i were to try to eat them.

i find that i'm not in the mood to read, though i've a nice book on my coffee table that is sure to be a good and fast read. meh. i'm not interested in knitting, though i've got bright and vibrant yarns that are begging to be turned into dishcloths and potholders and coasters and anything at all, really. meh. i'm not in the mood to blog, either, but while i would probably send much-needed company packing, i do need to communicate in some way.

it's been an absolutely beautiful day, and i've looked out the window once or twice, but that's all i've done. i have had the idea off and on that i should take all my chocolate and throw it out into the parking lot. little busted-open cadbury eggs and glittering m&ms would get ground into the asphalt. i certainly have no desire to eat it.

i can think of several reasons why i'm in a blah/meh/whatever mood. many of them are temporary in the this-semester-ends-soon sort of way. i hope so. spring break is probably not going to be enough, even if i spend it really, really well.

i've thought i could distance myself a bit more from this class, but the damage may already be done. i seriously thought the week we workshopped straight-up pornography as a perfectly valid form of literature would be enough. but we can't settle for porn. we have to go further. i'm about ready to call in sick every tuesday until the end of the semester and take whatever failing grade i get. or start sitting by the door and just leave when the class discussion turns to laughter about the --apparently-- very funny topic of genital mutilation.

last week's class discussion: 3 sudoku puzzles and a hitori grid.
prof's reaction: yeah, i'd noticed you were a bit quiet.

seriously? how much more withdrawn can i get without being physically absent?

also: how in the world does one withdraw withdraw withdraw from one aspect of her life without feeling like an outsider in all the other aspects?

l and p