the big sigh

i should never have signed up for this class. i should have dropped the second week, jumping ship to a classroom i could sit in without feeling the very real need to vomit/bathe.

that's the high of it, and the low of it. the cost of it on my psyche:

i've spent most of today either staring at the ceiling above my bed, staring at the alarm clock as it ticks over from one minute to the next, staring at the cats while they stare at me, wandering into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water, wandering to the bathroom to get rid of said water...

i'm not sick. no cold. no flu. no headache, which is odd because it's been hanging around off and on since mid-january and i'm not sure what to do with a day that is completely without an hour or so of it. no aches/pains.

but i don't feel all that well, either. i'm vaguely hungry, but not for anything in my apt. i'm not hungry for any restaurants, and while i'd love company, i'm not fit to be company. in fact, i think i'd find company a touch tiresome at the moment. the likelihood is great that there's a dvd from my family in my mailbox. it will have frolicking baby goats on it. and i can't bring myself to go get it out of the mailbox.

there are things to do. lots of them, and some are even fun. but i'm feeling sort of "meh" about them. kind of like i'm feeling sort of "blah" about the fruits, veggies, meats, breads, eggs, etc. that are in my refridgerator and would be quite tasty except that i'm not in the mood to eat them and think i might send them right back where they came from if i were to try to eat them.

i find that i'm not in the mood to read, though i've a nice book on my coffee table that is sure to be a good and fast read. meh. i'm not interested in knitting, though i've got bright and vibrant yarns that are begging to be turned into dishcloths and potholders and coasters and anything at all, really. meh. i'm not in the mood to blog, either, but while i would probably send much-needed company packing, i do need to communicate in some way.

it's been an absolutely beautiful day, and i've looked out the window once or twice, but that's all i've done. i have had the idea off and on that i should take all my chocolate and throw it out into the parking lot. little busted-open cadbury eggs and glittering m&ms would get ground into the asphalt. i certainly have no desire to eat it.

i can think of several reasons why i'm in a blah/meh/whatever mood. many of them are temporary in the this-semester-ends-soon sort of way. i hope so. spring break is probably not going to be enough, even if i spend it really, really well.

i've thought i could distance myself a bit more from this class, but the damage may already be done. i seriously thought the week we workshopped straight-up pornography as a perfectly valid form of literature would be enough. but we can't settle for porn. we have to go further. i'm about ready to call in sick every tuesday until the end of the semester and take whatever failing grade i get. or start sitting by the door and just leave when the class discussion turns to laughter about the --apparently-- very funny topic of genital mutilation.

last week's class discussion: 3 sudoku puzzles and a hitori grid.
prof's reaction: yeah, i'd noticed you were a bit quiet.

seriously? how much more withdrawn can i get without being physically absent?

also: how in the world does one withdraw withdraw withdraw from one aspect of her life without feeling like an outsider in all the other aspects?

l and p