first week, day one
well, today, i did not have to go to campus at all. and yet, i was there from about 9.30 to about 5. not a bad day's worth of running around for someone who didn't have to be there in the first place.
the beginning of the day is a bit wilted by now, but we'll start there anyway. i recall the parking situation in the c11 lot, and so might many of you. those entries were filled with explitive, invective, all-around nasty commentary. they aren't about to return, mind, but there they were. i was, at the time, unaware of things and stupid, i guess. i never realized a lot so big could fill up so quick is all.
i know better now. but see, the c11 lot i remember is about a year old. i've been parking in the boonies, s1 or s2. certainly, the c11 lot was never this full at 9 am before. at 9, all the commuters were still asleep or hung over. the lot was wide open, or at least the farther half.
i'm still not sure whether the fullness of the lot was due to first day mania or whether things have truly gotten that crowded in one year. but the c11 lot has a lot of parts. the first part was completely filled, even the reserved spaces with their littering of yellow tickets. bad drivers! bad! the second part was also filled. completely. people were parked in the dirt just off the lot. the entire c11 lot was at capacity, and it was hardly 10 am.
most people on this campus are unaware of a small lot hidden away behind a twisted driveway and lots and lots of scary-looking industrial buildings. it looks from the street like it's one of those little lots that are reserved for maintenance workers and university vehicles. there is no way to get a closer look without driving along that driveway, and there's no reason to drive there unless you are a university staffer. most people, therefore, have never considered it an option, and are truly unaware. i am aware of it. it is a lot, not c11, but related to c11. i'm now allowed to park there. little do my driving competitors know, this lot is something like 3 times closer. i hope they never find out.
why am i allowed to park there? it isn't an s lot, is it? no, no, no. i bit the bullet, coughed up triple digits for a commuter sticker. it was a mess, parting with all that money for a shiny blue and red sticker for my car window. blood everywhere, and all the crying... actually, it wasn't bad, except for the two hour wait to pick up my pre-ordered pass. then the similar wait to return their scraper and get my id back. there was no cutting to just do a two-second trade at the counter.
you think i'm kidding about the wait time? they were passing out popcorn and soda to placate the masses. there were lines upon lines. people had to line up to order their pass, then get back in line to pay for it, then get back in line to return scrapers. thankfully, i only had two trips through the line. it would have been forever otherwise.
the commuter pass is just the best option for me now. the construction has gotten so bad that the main thoroughfare is shut down and everything's this big ugly detour. aside from the distance and wait for a bus, there's the fact that my car would be across this chasm and completely out of reach. add to it the fact that i was spoiled over the summer by the lovely walk down from the c11 lot to the building. i didn't realize how much i missed that walk in the mornings. i'm glad it's back.
~~~
after i parked, there was much waiting around and making of copies. it's really immaterial, except for the news that i dropped one of my classes for reading hours instead. let's face it: i had two incredibly difficult classes and one less difficult class. i was set up to teach a class that will be much, much, much more work than the other classes i've taught. i was still set for the IT work. i may have had a summer to recuperate from the hellish first year of the phd, but...
at this point, burnout is one of my greatest fears. i've already had the teaching burnout, the 'i hate all things student related' smog that clouded my thoughts (i'd predicted as much, but had been ignored and shoe-horned into two unwanted classes anyway, but that's another matter). i am sick of coursework, and that's about where i should be at this point of the program. because of the pay and stress stuff this summer, i didn't take the cw class. so i've got two to clear. a person can't take two at once and be sane. so that's two separate semesters. that's next spring, and the following fall. i'll be doing coursework until next fall anyway, so why not spread my coursework out and give myself some breathing room?
i went from high school to college with no break. i went from college to grad school without even a full summer's break, and got mono that summer before classes. i went from the master's to the phd without a full summer's break, and that summer i defended the thesis, had car trouble, and moved across town. that may sound like a drawn-out whine or excuse, and it probably is. but i need to take some sort of break. and it can't wait until the phd is finished. i'll have to move straight into the job market if i want to pay rent and buy groceries.
so, the third class is gone now, and i can spend that time writing, assembling a dissertion committee, assembling a reading list for quals, etc. also getting some financial stuff in order so i'm not broke at 65, or whatever the 'you're free, fly away like a delicate butterfly now that you've been sucked dry of the potential for productive work' age is these days.
~~~
while on the freedom note, a little personal thing. yesterday, i had a very candid conversation with jr following an announcement on his part, and i expressed a fear that had been hounding me from day one or so here in dirt town. we're all a bunch of lcms'ers in our family, and i'm not feeling it at any of the churches around here. but whenever i'd go to another church, i'd feel guilty for leaving the fold. i know my parental unit is not like this, so i don't know why i feared being disowned or something if i left the lcms church. they are probably the most understanding and loving parental unit in the world, but i've always hated to disappoint them in any way.
well, during this candid conversation, jr told me in no uncertain terms that i was to go to any church at all, provided i felt myself in the presence of god and able to worship, and that their doctrine was sound. and if i wanted to leave before they got all fellowship-y (read: gossipy), that was fine.
you know, that part of the conversation didn't mention that he loved me. we do talk about that regularly, and our family always ends every conversation with that sentiment, because it's the truth and we want it known. but that wasn't the direction of this part of the conversation. nevertheless, that was the message i took from it, above all the more obvious ones. rather than be a disappointment in his eyes for not enjoying the lutheran church community, i was fully capable and knew my stuff to an extent where he was not worried about me. though the overall topic and the circumstances surrounding it weren't extremely pleasant ones, i felt trusted to do the right thing, and that was very inspiring. i've not felt the unspoken 'i love you' message so loud and clear since he told me he was proud of me and what i'd done and what i'd become when i told him about the thesis and later, when i defended it.
certain moments like that just stand out somehow.
and since i teach tomorrow early and haven't got a lesson plan for the first day, i'll just sign off on that good note.
love and peace
ps: it's not like the first day is all that hard, really. i spend 80 minutes going over the syllabus, policies, reading and assignment schedule, webct, email, office hours, etc. i field questions. i try to scare a few of them off to get a smaller class size. that hardly needs planning. more likely, i'll have a 3x5 card with the order of conversation scribbled on it. ta-da! the first class day.
the beginning of the day is a bit wilted by now, but we'll start there anyway. i recall the parking situation in the c11 lot, and so might many of you. those entries were filled with explitive, invective, all-around nasty commentary. they aren't about to return, mind, but there they were. i was, at the time, unaware of things and stupid, i guess. i never realized a lot so big could fill up so quick is all.
i know better now. but see, the c11 lot i remember is about a year old. i've been parking in the boonies, s1 or s2. certainly, the c11 lot was never this full at 9 am before. at 9, all the commuters were still asleep or hung over. the lot was wide open, or at least the farther half.
i'm still not sure whether the fullness of the lot was due to first day mania or whether things have truly gotten that crowded in one year. but the c11 lot has a lot of parts. the first part was completely filled, even the reserved spaces with their littering of yellow tickets. bad drivers! bad! the second part was also filled. completely. people were parked in the dirt just off the lot. the entire c11 lot was at capacity, and it was hardly 10 am.
most people on this campus are unaware of a small lot hidden away behind a twisted driveway and lots and lots of scary-looking industrial buildings. it looks from the street like it's one of those little lots that are reserved for maintenance workers and university vehicles. there is no way to get a closer look without driving along that driveway, and there's no reason to drive there unless you are a university staffer. most people, therefore, have never considered it an option, and are truly unaware. i am aware of it. it is a lot, not c11, but related to c11. i'm now allowed to park there. little do my driving competitors know, this lot is something like 3 times closer. i hope they never find out.
why am i allowed to park there? it isn't an s lot, is it? no, no, no. i bit the bullet, coughed up triple digits for a commuter sticker. it was a mess, parting with all that money for a shiny blue and red sticker for my car window. blood everywhere, and all the crying... actually, it wasn't bad, except for the two hour wait to pick up my pre-ordered pass. then the similar wait to return their scraper and get my id back. there was no cutting to just do a two-second trade at the counter.
you think i'm kidding about the wait time? they were passing out popcorn and soda to placate the masses. there were lines upon lines. people had to line up to order their pass, then get back in line to pay for it, then get back in line to return scrapers. thankfully, i only had two trips through the line. it would have been forever otherwise.
the commuter pass is just the best option for me now. the construction has gotten so bad that the main thoroughfare is shut down and everything's this big ugly detour. aside from the distance and wait for a bus, there's the fact that my car would be across this chasm and completely out of reach. add to it the fact that i was spoiled over the summer by the lovely walk down from the c11 lot to the building. i didn't realize how much i missed that walk in the mornings. i'm glad it's back.
~~~
after i parked, there was much waiting around and making of copies. it's really immaterial, except for the news that i dropped one of my classes for reading hours instead. let's face it: i had two incredibly difficult classes and one less difficult class. i was set up to teach a class that will be much, much, much more work than the other classes i've taught. i was still set for the IT work. i may have had a summer to recuperate from the hellish first year of the phd, but...
at this point, burnout is one of my greatest fears. i've already had the teaching burnout, the 'i hate all things student related' smog that clouded my thoughts (i'd predicted as much, but had been ignored and shoe-horned into two unwanted classes anyway, but that's another matter). i am sick of coursework, and that's about where i should be at this point of the program. because of the pay and stress stuff this summer, i didn't take the cw class. so i've got two to clear. a person can't take two at once and be sane. so that's two separate semesters. that's next spring, and the following fall. i'll be doing coursework until next fall anyway, so why not spread my coursework out and give myself some breathing room?
i went from high school to college with no break. i went from college to grad school without even a full summer's break, and got mono that summer before classes. i went from the master's to the phd without a full summer's break, and that summer i defended the thesis, had car trouble, and moved across town. that may sound like a drawn-out whine or excuse, and it probably is. but i need to take some sort of break. and it can't wait until the phd is finished. i'll have to move straight into the job market if i want to pay rent and buy groceries.
so, the third class is gone now, and i can spend that time writing, assembling a dissertion committee, assembling a reading list for quals, etc. also getting some financial stuff in order so i'm not broke at 65, or whatever the 'you're free, fly away like a delicate butterfly now that you've been sucked dry of the potential for productive work' age is these days.
~~~
while on the freedom note, a little personal thing. yesterday, i had a very candid conversation with jr following an announcement on his part, and i expressed a fear that had been hounding me from day one or so here in dirt town. we're all a bunch of lcms'ers in our family, and i'm not feeling it at any of the churches around here. but whenever i'd go to another church, i'd feel guilty for leaving the fold. i know my parental unit is not like this, so i don't know why i feared being disowned or something if i left the lcms church. they are probably the most understanding and loving parental unit in the world, but i've always hated to disappoint them in any way.
well, during this candid conversation, jr told me in no uncertain terms that i was to go to any church at all, provided i felt myself in the presence of god and able to worship, and that their doctrine was sound. and if i wanted to leave before they got all fellowship-y (read: gossipy), that was fine.
you know, that part of the conversation didn't mention that he loved me. we do talk about that regularly, and our family always ends every conversation with that sentiment, because it's the truth and we want it known. but that wasn't the direction of this part of the conversation. nevertheless, that was the message i took from it, above all the more obvious ones. rather than be a disappointment in his eyes for not enjoying the lutheran church community, i was fully capable and knew my stuff to an extent where he was not worried about me. though the overall topic and the circumstances surrounding it weren't extremely pleasant ones, i felt trusted to do the right thing, and that was very inspiring. i've not felt the unspoken 'i love you' message so loud and clear since he told me he was proud of me and what i'd done and what i'd become when i told him about the thesis and later, when i defended it.
certain moments like that just stand out somehow.
and since i teach tomorrow early and haven't got a lesson plan for the first day, i'll just sign off on that good note.
love and peace
ps: it's not like the first day is all that hard, really. i spend 80 minutes going over the syllabus, policies, reading and assignment schedule, webct, email, office hours, etc. i field questions. i try to scare a few of them off to get a smaller class size. that hardly needs planning. more likely, i'll have a 3x5 card with the order of conversation scribbled on it. ta-da! the first class day.
posted by Rehkmira @ 20:47
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