so far

i got my old english midterm back today. at the 'end' of class. while class officially gets out at 1:50, we have never left the room before 2:00. most days, we're released a few minutes after that, even. this is pretty neat, in the cost-per-hour perspective, and i do enjoy the lectures. but all this is tempered by the knowledge that there's a bus running to my car at 2:00. and the next bus to my car is at 2:40. this is especially vexing on a friday when class lets out at 2:20.

so, the first thing this professor tells us about the midterm is that there was a shocking lack of success. that in fact, a curve was strongly considered, but ruined by the two people with the "bad taste" to do quite well. professor's quote there. for the rest of us, at least the numbers have been changed around. where before we could rewrite for a 70, now we may rewrite for an 80.

this does not help me. apparently, i did not need the help. i got an 82. i am profoundly thankful for this, and amazed by my repeated ability to somehow outdo myself. this is not to say that my predictions were entirely incorrect. i bombed the adjective in a very big way. i screwed up my weak verb in all the ways i thought i had and would. hell, i even missed a conjugation of the strong verb. but the guessing on the sound changes and umlauts? recall that i thought afterwards my guessing had been inspired. and yes, yes it was. almost all of my pitiful guesses were right or right enough for half credit. methinks the prof graded mine with the notion that the whole class had failed and needed to be treated gently.

still, i will be drilling every week to either keep my studied for prowess [much laughter] or to get the prowess that i lack [so much more realistic]. i'm happy and pleased about the midterm's outcome, and it's kind of rare for me to be pleased with a B-.

****

i thought the english department here was on a schedule perfect for the lent thing. there was a book fair [i love those] with catered jason's deli on tuesday. i mean, hell yeah. those lovely brownies, some baklava, tons of little croissant sandwiches, jordan almonds, even the chips and pickles are somehow better when catered. i love this stuff. and i partook, because it was tuesday. what great timing! just before i have to give it all up.

then, on wednesday, the book people were back for breakfast. normally this is a good thing. there's bagels. doughnuts. cookies. pastries. scones. little cakes and muffins. it was actually quite sad. i had an inordinate amount of fresh pineapple, some strawberries, a large cluster of grapes, and the lonely slice of kiwi. somehow, all that tasty fruit was lacking. i usually get fruit and sometimes a pastry of some kind when there's a breakfast layout. [except when this one lady makes these little smokey biscuit wraps, and then i personify gluttony.] i enjoy the fruit more than the pastry, but the knowledge that i *had* to forego the pastry made it somehow worse than if i had simply opted for fruit. really. i love fruit. i'd have been thrilled by a breakfast of fruit. and i feel like a bad, ungrateful person for eyeing the coffee cake and not properly enjoying the fruit. there was nothing wrong with the fruit. it was excellent. why was i so saddened by the lack of a pastry when i actually *prefer* fruit?

then, on thursday, there was more food. it may have been only a bag of chips left in the faculty lounge for random foraging grad students. but it was still food. still free. and still sad. i almost never eat potato chips. i have purchased them twice in my three or so years here. but i do make it a point to eat some when they are served at the english building or when i go home. thursday, however, there were no chips to be had.

today, a conference started up. those things are *well* stocked in our neighborhood. you wouldn't believe. there's very nice catered lunch [not deli food, though that's very nice also], and very nice breakfasts. very nice leftovers in the lounge so even if you aren't part of the goings on, you're part of the clean up crew. there were tons of very nice-looking chocolate chip cookies on the lounge table. they looked like the hard kind that don't make me all squidgy. [i hate soft store-bought cookies. they make me sick. i think it's the high plastic content.] i did not eat a cookie.

today's catered lunch was rosa's. in a way, this was good. the fajitas at rosa's are minimally processed. there's the tortilla, which i really can't in good conscience eat during lent. the sauces etc i wouldn't eat anyway. refried beans are pretty much just beans and beans. maybe some lard in there. i'm not an expert on the ingredients for those in restaurants. the rice, sadly, strikes me as a processed food. but the meat is just meat. you know? beef and chicken, almost certainly marinated, and then grilled up. that's good to go, right?

well, even if it isn't, i ate some. i had four strips of beef and a piece of chicken. beans. lettuce. and yes, about a cup of the rice. i really hope all that isn't terribly processed. either way, the spirit of things says i screwed up. i operated on a guess and a wish, and against better judge guess-ment on the rice. while i managed to deny myself a tortilla, i really don't feel all that self-congratulatory. i mean, let's be honest.

the meat was likely speed-marinated, frozen, and shipped. in most parlance, that is processed. i didn't cook it myself, so i don't know what went into it.

the rice started out white. that means bleached. that's a process. then, the rice was cooked with whatever goodness rosa's uses to transform it into the rice i love the most. if the rice from rosa's isn't processed, then neither is instant oatmeal. and we all know that instant oatmeal isn't really oatmeal at all.

the beans are probably most-to-all bean. they don't have all the spices and flavorings that canned refried beans have, and they taste very pinto-y. still, i have no idea how they're made, aside from the mashing of actual beans.

it was a processed meal, except perhaps for the shredded lettuce. and *maybe* the beans.

so what does this failure mean for me? especially coming so soon in the endeavor? i'm not really sure. i'm not going to give up on the basis of a single cave-in. that would be silly. if smokers who tried to quit did that no one would ever quit. ditto with every other habit known to me. but do i need to do some thinking on this? yes. i believe that there is a thought process going on in deep within the undercurrents of my brain that this little encountered has pointed out to me.

why would i eat the rosa's food when i have a perfectly good lunch packed from home and lovingly made? on a normal day, i would do this because of the lure of free food and the knowledge that i no longer have to worry about dinner when i get home. but now? the lent thing really should have cancelled out the free food thing. do i see free food as a scarce commodity to be consumed whenever it is seen? do i feel that if i forego the rosa's this time, it will never reappear? i wasn't hungry until i saw the rosa's. there were still about two hours until i would normally eat my lunch. i just ate the rosa's because it was there.

perhaps, after all this rambling, the one thing this means for me is that i need to not go to campus tomorrow for any reason, thereby avoiding the continuation of the conference and the offering of more free [and utterly superfluous] food. the avoidance of free food runs counter to my very being. but the desire to stay home and not drive helps a lot.

in short: i succumbed to the lure of free and processed food. i ate it. i'd love to say i didn't mean to, but i did very much mean to.

and: with the knowledge of this lure brought to the front burner of the creaky oven of my brain, i hope to be better equipped to resist the free food in the future.

except for fruit, which is not processed.

love and peace

i think recruitment weekend takes place during lent. heaven help me then.