Re-evaluating on Certain Key Levels

It happened again. The last time I seriously looked into Creative Writing programs with PhDs, I got queasy and had to stop for a while. This time again. The very thought of the PhD scares me, I'll be honest. Tonight I spent a while in front of the computer, looking at the applications, the quals (very mention of which strikes fear in my heart), the descriptions of how much better the students are than I'll ever be. Yes. I'm nauseous as I was when starting the thesis. You should have seen the mental breakdown then.

While I'm being perfectly honest with myself, and with you, I'll admit that I am terrified of several aspects of the PhD, as enumerated below:

1. What happens when I am rejected, as I most certainly will be by at least some schools? What happens if they all reject me? Am I a reject? Not good enough? How do I become good enough with all this other stuff going on?

2. What happens when I am accepted, as I hope to be by at least one school? What if it's in Minnesota, or Oregon? Do I want to go all that way? If I don't, am I turning my back on the door God's opened for me?

3. Assuming #2, what happens if everyone is fucking brilliant wherever I end up, and I'm the dumb one of the bunch? I already feel that way sometimes around here, but then, we all do. What if it really is the case in the future? Do I even belong in the PhD program?

4. Assuming #s 2 and 3, what happens when quals come around? If I'm not here, then the professors giving the test (the 12 hour written and 2 hour oral tests) won't know me for more than a semester at most schools, a year at others. Conversely, I won't know them at all either. How can I possibly feel comfortable taking a test of this magnitude from utter strangers? Especially considering

5. You only get one chance to fail the quals. If you don't make it a second time, you're out of the program. They call it "dismissed" but what it boils down to is that you're too dumb for them. Then we have

6. If I were dismissed from a program, what are my chances of ever getting into another program, given #s 1 and 3? Do I want that kind of final rejection following me throughout life? That's like being told you're not good enough for higher education. It's a stamp, I'm sure, that mars your forehead for the rest of your life. Name, published X, Y and Z before being cast from the university due to test anxiety and stupidity.

7. Given the high levels of stress I'm undergoing at present, the higher frequency of illnesses during this past year-and-some, and the highly traumatic and occasionally unavoidable mental breakdowns, can I physically do this to myself for an additional 2+ years? Will my health recover from this kind of battery? If it doesn't, will the paper be worth it?

8. Given #2, what are the chances that I will exit the university finally with both MA and PhD in hand, at the age of only a little under 30, and still know absolutely nothing about the real world? Can I make it in the real world with only two pieces of paper to account for the lost years of life experience?

9. Only 50% of newly minted MA/PhD folks get a job in the academic field after graduating. “Maybe next year” seems to be the mantra of choice. But when one considers that the 50 unlucky percent of last year's graduates are vying with the current graduates, and that this cycle continues, one might become upset by the seemingly growing unlikelihood of an actual, food-providing job at the end of it all.

All good lists have ten, right? Well, the previous were all the concerns my mind feels ready to contemplate at the moment, and more may be forthcoming, but don't hold your breath. I'm too busy sucking down mint tea and Tylenol to rid myself of the stomach and head at the moment to contribute to a list any larger than the one above. Rest assured, I will do my duty and continue to undertake the application process, because, and here, I suppose, is number ten,

10. Once one is accepted to a school, that one can always defer that acceptance for a year. And after a year, there's no telling how much more capable that one's body and mind might be of doing this whole PhD thing.

A note to any casually dismayed readers out there: this is up in the air. None of it is solid right now, because my mental stomach is in accord with my physical one, and is not at this moment accepting solid anything.

You might be tempted to consider this entry at an end, but the title word "Levels" is implicatory of multiple levels. Thus the plural. And what level could be more key than that of religion?

The last several months have been ones of soul-searching. I've talked my mind out a few times to those who come from different angles, and I've talked my mind out more than a few times to God himself. I've come to know him a little differently through the years, but all this mutable knowing is beginning to cement itself. I've never been much fond of the once popular phrase "What Would Jesus Do?" but that's about the best I can come to an understanding of things. I've been doing some reading from that angle, and things are looking a little different. While I've always disagreed on certain issues, these issues have not been in prior years of much importance to me. Well, relative to now, anyway.

I've always thought women were just as capable as men, and that certain "typical" aspects of a woman's demeanor might be more beneficial to, say, the Office of the Keys, than has been allowed. While I do not count myself a radical feminist, I have found it difficult at times to accept--no, to tolerate the double standard set forth by the LC-MS. Many denominations don't seem to like thinking that Paul was speaking to a specific time, place, and group of people that are not this time, place, and group of people. LC-MS isn't doing too badly here, mind. But forbidding women to preach is a big sticking point.

Certain social issues are also a part of this, but here I'll simply refer to an above paragraph, where I am attempting to see things from a Christ-centered view, instead of a Paul-centered view.

Yet I cannot simply broaden my scopes and find belonging in a less strict brand of Lutheranism. The ELCA has taken things in a direction I don't like--a direction suspiciously close to the "Jesus was a good man" chasm. The Bible is 100% God's Word, written by fallible human beings. Thus I cannot agree with the ELCA's newfound stance that the Bible is not necessarily God's Word.

So, my dilemma. I feel a great deal of loyalty to my religious upbringing. But I firmly believe it to be wrong on some issues that have value to me. And I have found that disagreeing with the crowd is not acceptable, unless you're quiet about it. I'm not content hiding my beliefs in the hopes that I fit in. None of the Lutheran churches in this area have given me the feeling that I could speak my mind and not be trampled into the dust by those eager to "prove me wrong." I enjoy the openness of religious dialogue I can have with my officemates, who are not all of the same religion, let alone denomination. It's an interesting situation.

I don't want to just have a church I go to regularly. I want to go regularly to a church where I feel I belong. I want to go to church without feeling like I need to hide, lest I be exposed as having disagreements. I want to attend a church where I feel I can actually let loose and worship.

Again, more on this as it develops. It's been developing this entire semester from seeds that were in turn developing last year. I feel they are sufficiently developed that they need drafting. At the same time, I'm still in my exploration process and not ready to sit down and wrangle things out. Writing this in a semi-public forum (semi-public if only because so few people actually read this blog) is simply a step I'm taking in this exploration, to put it in ICON terms.

I don't mean to concern anyone with any of this. I'm still going forth to sign up for more grad school. I'm not "losing my religion" in any kind of worst sense. I'm just incredibly stressed about embarking on the next phase of my life, and taking some time to ponder things religious.

Take care, y'all.

End